live today, not tomorrow

this is what self harm/self injury can do.

i ended up in hospital on Tuesday this week, not just the ER, no. that couldn't do it anymore, they couldn't fix me. stitches wasn't enough. this time i needed surgery.
this hospital, which is a big one, couldn't even do it. so i was sent to sahlgrenska in ghotenburg.
there i came to a special hand surgery ward. i was admitted around 09.00 in the morning, and by 14.00 in the afternoon ( 2pm) i went into surgery.
i was put to sleep, and the surgery took about 3 hours. when i was rolled into that room, in was terrified, there was about 10 people in the room, just to work on my arm
by this point you would thin that i should understand what the HELL im doing, and just stop it. but it inst that easy.
surgery took 3 hours.
i damaged my arm and hand , forever, probably, i will never get the feeling and motion back in my arm. i will never be able to lift heavy things. if i have children, i might no even be able to pick them up and hold them in my arms when they get older than 1 year.
ive been doing this for 7 years. yeah, 7 god damn horrible years. and god knows i want to stop!
maybe you should thinnk about it if you self harm. do you want to end ui in surgery, and lose the use of your arm? no? well, then do anything, ANYTHING you can to get some help before its too late. i know you just cant stop, you cant do it alone, but you CAN DO IT if youve got someoen by your side!
thats all for now,
love /A
oh, yeah, i forgot. that tube in my nose is a feeding tube, which i get nutrition from, but thats a whole other story, maybe tomorrow.